


a mess of gorgeous chaos

by fxbricxtedrexlity



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Depression, F/F, Heavy Angst, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, implied/referenced cutting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:07:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24656584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxbricxtedrexlity/pseuds/fxbricxtedrexlity
Summary: hwasun. hyejin and yongsun have been dating for quite some time now and something disturbing about the younger woman surfaces.
Relationships: Ahn Hyejin | Hwasa/Kim Yongsun | Solar
Comments: 1
Kudos: 41





	a mess of gorgeous chaos

**Author's Note:**

> a tad bit of warning before you proceed :)
> 
> this fic contains depression, suicide attempts, unhealthy habits, cutting, and mature themes
> 
> if some of the warnings put you off, please press the back button now :)
> 
> relationship between mamamoo’s solar and hwasa
> 
> i respect each and every one of the characters and real people i used in this fic
> 
> I guess that’s all, please enjoy :)

a mess of gorgeous chaos

**::**

for the ever awesome **varoro2**

**::**

_she’s a mess of gorgeous chaos, and you can see it in her eyes._

**::**

Yongsun finds it by accident.

She’s over at Hyejin’s house, her girlfriend in an exceptionally clingy mood lately so she came over and cooked dinner for the younger girl. And when it was time for them to go to bed, she was brushing her teeth, trying to sing along the soft music coming through the door from Hyejin’s bedroom, when she spots _it_.

It’s a razorblade, which was weird in itself, because Yongsun specifically knows her members loved the one particular brand she told them to use. This one is just a blade, sitting in the medicine cabinet in the far back when Yongsun looked for lotion, wrapped in a tissue and a careful square.

There aren’t any blood marks but it got Yongsun’s heart racing all the same.

“You alright? You look like you saw a ghost,” Hyejin quips, lounging in her bed with her usual too large shirt and too large sweatpants.

Yongsun can’t remember the time she saw Hyejin naked, either the younger woman works her up too much that they generally just do it hard and fast, or the lights are off and it’s always Hyejin worshiping her body.

When she doesn’t move from her spot by the bathroom door, staring a hole at Hyejin’s clothes like she can see through them, the younger woman props herself up on her elbows, brow furrowed in concern.

“Hey, seriously, you okay?”

Her voice is so soft, genuinely curious, and this is one of the days that they’ll get to relax before they’re shoved in the spotlight again. Yongsun shakes her head, trying to quell her natural curiousity, turning the light off and letting the younger woman attach to her body like a second blanket.

_Next time_ , she tells herself, kissing the crown of the younger woman. _Not tonight_.

**::**

_She’s just trying to trend because no one pays attention to her._

Hyejin removes her in-ear, water bottle in hand, Wheein chatting her ear off back into the waiting room, a relentless kind of infectious energy radiating off of her best friend and she joins in bouncing at the tips of their toes all the way back.

_Seriously, she’s just ruining the group dynamic._

The staff greets them as they enter the room, food being passed along to everybody, makeups getting touched up, a photographer tells them to stand by the wall so that they can post something in their social media sites.

_Did she really think she’s beautiful? What a joke_.

Their manager tells them to take individual selfies, too. Post it on your own social medias so everyone will know you won, he said.

_Bet their CEO just signed her because she’s a slut_.

She posts them, turning her phone upside down, not wanting to look at the comments or the likes. Instead, she plasters herself beside Yongsun who’s sitting in a table, notebook in front of her, and a few staff members around discussing future Solarsido content.

_It’s sad,_ Hyejin thinks, mechanically smiling as staff coos at her and her girlfriend. _I’m sad_.

She doesn’t know when it turned for the worst.

It was just words at first, thrown her way by anonymous people in the internet. Hyejin likes to think that there’s a lot of honesty unpacked in simple statements. Wheein tells her that there’s nothing more to it, it’s just pure hate and she shouldn’t listen to them.

She doesn’t, not really.

But as the years pass by, the voices of hate muddled and intertwined. Now, she can’t hear it in other people’s voice. It’s always told in hers now.

Yeah, she hates herself.

Yongsun smiles at her when she cuddles closer, the ache in her chest never abating for years now, only growing heavy every day, and she thinks that is she tries to stick to Yongsun’s naturally sunny disposition, maybe she’ll be positive with herself again.

They’ve been dating for years and she’s not getting better.

She closes her eyes and tries to sleep.

**_[BREAKING NEWS]_ **

_| MAMAMOO did it again! The vocal queens takes the MNET QUEENDOM stage by storm; with their stellar and constant performance, the girls finally take the win at the final stage when they performed a new song ‘Destiny’. MAMAMOO expressed their never-ending love for their fans—Moomoos—who always surprises them. QUEENDOM is a television survival show under MNET who’s goal is… more on page 5A._

_+8 i bet they rigged it kekeke_

_+21 i was there, their fandom was the most rowdy and rude, didn’t deserve to win_

_+78 lol get out of here, ur just mad ur stan didn’t win_

_+101 AAAAH THE QUEENS DID IT AGAIN!! SO PROUD OF THEM_

_+97 WHERE MY INTERNATIONAL MOOS AT?? DID Y’ALL VOTE??_

_+65 had a voting party in twitter earlier!!_

_+52 i love this fandom so much_

**::**

Yongsun’s sweating hard even with the air-conditioning in her car at full blast.

She turns the street to Hyejin’s apartment, incredulous as she sees the younger woman wearing a long sleeve shirt by the street, a mask on her face and a bucket hat pulled down low. The car door opens and the heat comes barreling inside her car.

The younger woman takes off her mask, presses a kiss against Yongsun’s lips. “Where’re we going?” She asks, tugging the seatbelt around her frame.

“Aren’t you hot?” Yongsun asks, not taking off the curb just yet in case Hyejin would want to change her clothes.

A smirk tugs at her lips, coy and teasing. “You think I’m hot? Thanks, babe.”

Yongsun rolls her eyes, fond smile ruining the effect. “I meant your clothes.”

Hyejin makes a show of getting comfortable against the leather seat, not even an ounce of discomfort on her face. Yongsun feels the heat in her behalf. “Nah, I’m good.”

She pulls away from the side of the street, honking when someone tries to get in her lane. Belatedly, Yongsun catches a familiar feeling like something’s missing, something right at the tip of her tongue, but all thought washes away when Hyejin plugs her phone in the aux, both of them singing obnoxiously, the distraction enough for Yongsun to forget about what she’s thinking about completely.

**::**

She doesn’t feel like moving today.

Hyejin sinks in a chair, blasting the music in her ears at full blast, trying to convince herself that the stares she’s getting is just normal ones.

_But why does it feel like everyone’s judging me?_

Past Hyejin would’ve sat up straighter, uncrossed her legs, portrays a pretty image— _anything_.

She likes to think that she’s past the point of caring anymore, that she’s better now.

And yet, despite the loud noise from her ears, the ones in her head grows louder. She hates it. Just wants it to stop. Just wants to be okay for a while.

**::**

There’s a lot of things bothering Yongsun, all stemming from the woman she’s dating.

Last night, they had a movie night, just the two of them eating on the couch and take out sprawled all over Hyejin’s center table. She let Hyejin pick the movie, having already picked the last time they had a movie night and the younger woman’s choice in the movie was _disturbing_ , to put it lightly.

The movie had such a heavy topic that Yongsun didn’t feel completely at ease the whole duration of it. Hyejin, on the other hand, seemed so into the movie, crying in all the right places as if…

_No_ , Yongsun scolds herself, _don’t even finish that train of thought_.

And yet, here she is, waiting for Wheein after she texted the younger woman to _come at the studio, the only one with the lights on, don’t tell anyone, I need to talk to you alone_.

Wheein slips inside the room, eyes questioning as Yongsun locks the room.

“Definitely not scary, but okay?” Wheein drops on a couch, waiting patiently as she catalogues the obvious stress on the older woman’s demeanor. “Is something wrong?”

Yongsun barks out a laugh at the question, a hand tearing through her hair, fear reflected in her eyes. “Did—is there something, anything at all, that I need to know about Hyejin?”

This piques Wheein’s attention more. “Why, did something happen?”

She shakes her head. “No, not yet. I don’t think so,” and almost like an afterthought, she adds: “I hope so.”

Wheein tells her about when they were younger, that even then, Hyejin would be under the fire from bullying. She told Yongsun that it was something they grew up around, not like they can do anything about it, and reassures the older woman that Hyejin’s come a long way since then.

It does little to quell the uncomfortable churning of her stomach, feeling like something is still _amiss_.

“Thank you,” she says, accepting Wheein’s offered hug. “I just feel like something’s happening in front of me but I can’t see it.”

Wheein teases, tries for a lighter mood. “Mommy senses?”

“That was one time!”

“Still doesn’t dismiss the fact that I walked in on my best friend moaning _mommy_ against the wall.”

“Okay, you brat, that’s enough.”

Wheein snorts so hard that she falls from the couch.

**::**

It’s not unusual for her phone to ding with the occasional text from their managers, asking them for updates on their days, and Yongsun already texted that she’ll spend most afternoon in the gym. She’s already working up a hard sweat, intimidating her own reflection as she does another rep.

But when she notices her phone screen blowing up, multiple calls going through, Yongsun’s stomach sink with dread.

  
 _“Hyejin’s missing_.” It’s Byulyi, voice faraway, the sound of her car engine prominent. _“It’s—Yong, it’s a mess. I’m heading to the company, Wheein’s with her parents, press is everywhere so be careful, please.”_

The line cuts before she can ask anything, hands shaking as she stops her work out and looks at the numerous notifications on her phone, a single glimpse of the headline enough for her to sprint out of the gym.

**_[BREAKING NEWS]_ **

_| MAMAMOO’s Hwasa, also known as Ahn Hyejin, reported missing by her company, Rainbow Bridge Entertainment, amidst the surfacing of controversial photos of her taken by Dispatch outside of the idol’s home earlier. Numerous cuts and scars are seen on the idol’s arms, fans believe that there are more; photos of the idol from up to a year ago suggesting that she’s always seen wearing either long sleeved shirts or thick makeup… click here for full article_

_+32 oh my god, our queen????_

_+3 i was her classmate before, she already did this for attention kekekeke_

_+56 those are REAL and people like you are part of the reason why idols can’t breathe_

_+23 ^^^THIS_

_+35 PUT A TRIGGER WARNING JESUS CHRIST hope she’s alright_

_+54 EVERYONE IN SEOUL, WE’RE DOING A MOOMOO WIDE SEARCH PARTY CLICK LINK FOR DETAILS_

_+78 I have a car! Who needs a ride? We’ll find her, fighting!_

_+23 meet up place outside RBW!_

**::**

She drives like a mad woman, shirt barely pulled over her sports bra as she speeds down the roads leading to Hyejin’s apartment. Paparazzi are _everywhere_ , flashes going off and discussing amongst themselves. Yongsun wants to punch every single one of them.

There’s no one in the house in the house, her mind swimming with worries, the picture of red, angry lines marring her lover’s arms tattooed on the back of her eyelids, surging a new batch of tears and turning her stomach.

She doesn’t know how long she spends curled up by the door, doesn’t even hear the door opening and Byul kneeling next to her head.

“Come on,” she feels herself getting dragged upwards, noises coming from every side and she can’t pinpoint any of the voices, only registering Byul’s voice next to her head and the arm cradling her against a firm side. “, let’s get you washed up, huh? Hyejin’s parents are here, Wheein’s in the living room with them. Police are outside, too, and our managers will work with them all night.”

Yongsun sobs. It’s the only thing she can do.

**::**

It’s been two days.

By the second time that the police came and was still full of empty promises, she lost it. Byul took her down to the gym, sparring with her to help her calm down, holding the older woman as she breaks down in the middle of the ring.

Now, she’s just done meeting with a legal team, adamant of suing the photographer for invading Hyejin’s private space and for the pictures. Yongsun doesn’t know what she’ll do since Dispatch has an ironclad legal defense but with a case as sensitive as this and lots of people backing her up, the legal team are confident that they’ll win this case; maybe set an example for the future trend of Korean paparazzi altogether.

Wheein knocks against the table, holding a steaming mug of coffee that she graciously inhales. The younger woman shuffles from foot to foot, Youngsun raising an eyebrow in question.

“Unnie, I’m—there’s something you need to know, from before,” she breathes out, body heavily lined with anxiety. “, there was—oh god, uh—when we were young, this happened before. Someone found out and I swear I thought she was already okay, but back then people spread nasty rumors in our school that she was just doing it for attention.”

Yongsun feels her anger rising. Not at Wheein. If anything, she’s thankful that Wheein’s telling her all of this now.

“No one took it seriously but me and her family, I guess. But that was a long time ago and that was her response to, like, teases when puberty was starting, you know? She grew a pretty damn great self-confidence but,” her voice cracks, a single tear dropping from her eyes. “, but I—she was always so great at handling it and I forgot she was human, you know? I forgot to check up on her, forgot the past.”

She cries, frame shaking and small like when Yongsun first saw the two of them in the training room all those years ago. A team, always with each other, and she couldn’t have asked for a better best friend for Hyejin than Wheein.

**::**

It feels like she’s just going through the motions, her body on autopilot and just moving without her thought.

She doesn’t feel hungry, not really, maybe excessively thirsty. There’s a thought that, if she drinks enough, maybe the hole inside of her will finally fill up and spill over and despite that, she’ll actually feel whole again. Just for a second.

There is nothing going on around her but she feels like every street lamp has a camera, every window is looking out at her and staring, that every person that passes by can look at her and scream everything she’s been scared of all her life.

Maybe there is a solution.

Maybe.

She pulls out a pen, grabs a receipt and writing at the back of it. She writes down everything, not caring if the ink smudged because of her tears, doesn’t care if the letter overlapped with the limited writing space, doesn’t care if she essentially made the paper unreadable.

It was everything she ever wanted to say.

The sun long set when she decided to get out of her car, leaving everything save for her car keys. If someone found her body, at least they’ll have a car. It’s a dark though, but not like it’s foreign to her at this point.

It’s dark and she starts walking.

**::**

“We found her car.” The sentence barely left their managers mouth when all three of them scrambled to their feet, shoving arms inside coats and taking only their phones with them. “It’s by the river, about an hour away. No sign of Hyejin, though.”

The last one squeezes painfully at Yongsun’s heart, unintentionally squeezing Wheein’s hands tightly. She just squeezes back, like letting each other’s pain meet each other.

Yongsun was the one dropped of by the car, police already taped up the vicinity of it to preserve the area. An officer shows her the note Hyejin left, most of them unintelligible, but she can see the traces of _I’m so tired_ , _don’t know if this is the right thing, so lost,_ and _unnie, I love you._

**::**

Wheein doesn’t know what compelled her to go the certain direction, her feet carrying her towards the violent sound of the river. She feels like she’s not in her body, looking around but not really seeing anything, until she spots in the bridge, Hyejin’s body swaying precariously at the edge.

She thinks she’s never run so fast in her life, can’t even stop for a breath, not wanting to scream as to escalate the risk of Hyejin getting spooked and slipping. She just _runs_. Like a madman, the wind slicing her face.

Hyejin spots her before she can get to her, her best friend flinging a hand behind her to steady herself against the railing.

“Wheein?”

Wheein wails, shaking hands fisting its way against Hyejin’s shirt, not caring if it’s hurting the other woman, she just doesn’t want to let go. Not now, not ever. She won’t leave Hyejin again.

“Please,” her voice is shot, legs shaking from the excretion. “, please don’t leave me. Don’t leave us. Please, Hyejin-ah.”

She repeats it like a broken record, not trusting to say anything else, and picks up her phone.

**::**

Her phone rings, Wheein’s voice panicked. She runs, tears streaming down her face, runs towards the river where Wheein said she was and she nearly collapses on herself.

Hyejin’s beyond the railing, her hair swaying in the wind, and she look so _so_ beautiful. Crying and in pain but still so beautiful. Wheein’s got a tight grip on her shirt, already ripping from where it’s digging uncomfortably at the younger woman’s neck.

She reaches for Hyejin, hands shaking, and feeling the sob that wracks through the younger woman’s body as she presses her face firmly against Yongsun’s palm, muttering _I’m sorry_ over and over again.

They stay like that, all three of them crying until Byulyi came with the others, carefully removing Hyejin from the ledge, and all of them crumple to the floor, holding each other tightly.

**_[BREAKING NEWS]_ **

_| MAMAMOO’s Hwasa found! At 8PM today, the idol was found by her groupmates, the Rainbow Bridge World staff, and local police by Han River, a famous place for suicide accidents. Kim Yongsun, also known as Solar and the group’s leader, also announced that she and their company has already placed legal actions against Dispatch and blaming the paparazzi for any further trauma on everyone involved in the case. This is shaping up to be the biggest celebrity vs. press case of the decade… click to see full article_

**_[COMMENTS ARE DISABLED FOR THIS ARTICLE]_ **

**::**

It’s a slow progress.

There are many nights where Yongsun wakes up in the cold sweat of a nightmare and Hyejin will kiss her softly, telling her apologies and reminding that she’s still here.

But more often is it’s Hyejin getting the nightmares.

She doesn’t wake Yongsun when it happens, the evidence of a hard night reflected on her eyes in the morning when she wakes up.

Them living together just happened naturally. Yonghee was okay with her little sister moving out and Wheein was more than happy to bless—more like her insisting on Yongsun to ask for her permission formally—them in living together.

Yongsun does the cooking, Hyejin does the eating, the older woman doing most of the chores that involves using water and Hyejin in charge of vacuuming the floor and folding their laundries.

MAMAMOO went on an indefinite hiatus, Wheein and Byulyi going off to pursue individual projects while Hyejin takes the time to heal.

Hyejin told her once that she doesn’t need Yongsun around 24/7, that she can go out and promote a solo if she wanted to, feeling like she’s holding the older woman back.

“Think of it this way,” Yongsun bargains, stashing away her stack of the laundry in her side of the closet. “, if we keep on being domestic, we’re already rehearsing for when we’re married.”

As soon as the implication sinks inside Hyejin’s brain, there wasn’t much words exchanged that night, light out cold and breaths mixing between them as they make love.

**::**

It’s their first comeback after a whole year, the preparation for it starting a few months back when Dispatch lost the case and all of them won. Lots of other companies, unsurprisingly, helped the cause since they’ve done more harm than good for the wellbeing of most idols.

Hyejin’s nervous, the fan signing familiar yet unfamiliar all at once. She shakes her legs under the table, stopping when Wheein reaches a hand over her knee and soothes her.

A young woman with tattooed arms come up in front of her, handing their new album and she sees it.

Along the arms of the woman are scars like hers, thick and healing, hidden beneath the beauty of her tattoos. Hyejin stares, awed, the fan blushing under the attention.

“Those are beautiful,” she smiles, clicking her marker once and signing the fan’s name on the album.

“You’re my hero,” the girl said, eyes watering as she looks down. “, I thought I was the only one. But you were so brave and I—I’m just so grateful that you’re brave enough to be brave for me, too.”

It hits Hyejin a lot harder than she thought, rising up and rounding the table, pulling the girl in a hug as they both cries, familiar with the pain of each other.

“We’re fine now,” Hyejin says, thumbs wiping at the girl’s cheeks. “, it’s all happy days once you get brave enough. We’re fine now.”

And for the first time in a long while, Hyejin believes in herself.

**::**

end.

**::**

thank you to the ever wonderful **varoro2**

thank you and have a good one!

**Author's Note:**

> **follow the link/s on my[ twitter ](https://twitter.com/rexwrites/status/1341058168483315712?s=20)for updates and if you want to be my friend! :D **


End file.
